TJ's – Hook

Grief: Does this help or hurt?

I know this is an odd question when it comes to grief, but sometimes when we are dealing with a painful issue, our decision making is not at its best. When we try to avoid heartache, sadness, and grief, we can make choices that can become detrimental to our well-being.

To avoid the heartache of the death of a loved one, sometimes people turn to ways to deaden, not think about, or even feel the pain. They may turn to alcohol, food, shopping sprees, or even sex. Some people may choose to work long hours or sleep as much as they can get away with. None of these actions help and can end up costing you more than you bargained for.

The reality is you have to face the fact you’ve lost someone very important to you. It’s more than acceptable to pamper ourselves in the beginning of the journey of grief. Yet if you do not want to make the journey harder than it has to be, you must find a way to make good decisions. This means building an inner circle of people you can trust to guide you through this difficult time. There is no shame in reaching out and accepting help in the early stages of grief. In time you will find yourself steadying and will once again take charge of your life.

There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself. Taking care of your physical needs is essential. Making a list of things that need to get done or accomplished is a great tool. Finding social outlets that give you companionship if you wish it, can help. Getting involved with activities when you’re ready is another thing to do. Being aware of and respecting your limitations at this time is important. If you are religious, finding time to be with our Lord can and will be a great comfort to you. Dusting off your Bible, seeking spiritual written works, or praying/talking/listening to our Lord is a good place to start.

As you begin to establish your new normal, people will have suggestions on how to manage your time, your loved ones and your belongings, etc. You must select what is right for you and what will work best in your situation. Once again using good judgment is important. People mean well, but they might not know what is best for you! They might make suggestions that could set back your healing progress. Relying on yourself and the ones you trust will be what determines what is best for you and what you truly need. Here is where that question: Will this help or hurt? can be asked. Once answered, you can move forward at your own time and pace.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of It’s Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Forgiveness and Mercy

Whether you are religious or not, practicing forgiveness is essential to the healing process. Why?

Let us look at the effects of being unforgiving. When we hold hatred, anger, and other emotions associated with an unforgiving heart, we do damage to our well-being as well as to our physical body. The negative emotions affect our attitude towards life, making us bitter and can wear us down. Because grief is physical, holding onto these negative feelings in the long run can make us tire easily, have less interest in spending time with friends, family, and participation in activities that used to bring us joy. In this way grief and the resulting negative emotions can lead to health issues and other problems. The funny part about being forgiving is that it benefits us more than the person or situation we are forgiving.

When we choose to forgive, it takes a weight off our shoulders we might not even know we are carrying. We can see more clearly and find peace easier. Now being forgiving does not mean we forget or exonerate the person(s) involved. There are times when we must distance ourselves from those individual(s) in order to protect ourselves. If the ones involved are negligent or have committed an offense (crime), they must be held accountable. With less hatred in your heart, you can process what led to the hatred, anger, and other strong emotions with a much clearer state of mind.

How do we forgive?

First we must forgive ourselves. This is not easy. In the beginning we may not feel we can be forgiven, especially if we feel we had a part in the death of a loved one. Often hard decisions have to be made when caring for someone who is ill. They might have been made fast before we even had time to think things out carefully. Remember you did the best you could at the time. And that is all any one of us can do. Other times you may have said or did something shortly before their death that you now regret. Again what happened is in the past and cannot be changed.

In order to forgive ourselves, we must ask for forgiveness. This is done by saying the words out loud, talking to a friend, counselor, or spiritual advisor. We may need to say these words over and over until we believe we are forgiven. During this time, we must show mercy to ourselves. We are human beings that make many mistakes. We have to be kind to ourselves, patient, and tend to our needs. For those who are religious, reach out to God. If you come to Him with a sincere and contrite heart, because of His great and deep love for us, you are already forgiven.

When we are taking care of a loved one who is dealing with illness, they have a right to what happens to their body whether we agree with them or not. Sometimes we end up developing hard feelings from some of their choices. After their death we are faced with guilt. If they had done this or not done that, or if only we had (or not) said this, we can begin to think they would still be here. If we are harboring these feelings, we must let go of them. Like you, they did the best they could under trying times and circumstances. Just like you could have, they could have made mistakes too. Forgiving them as you forgive yourself releases both of you from the negative aspects of grief.

Lastly, what if someone is involved in the death of your loved one such as a careless driver, a negligent doctor, or a criminal, as I said earlier, forgiveness is more for your sake than theirs. You are releasing the negative part of what you are dealing with and reaching for the healing part of it. Is it easy? No! It takes work, time, and patience. Your goal is to come to terms with the death of your loved one and to find peace in your heart. The one who needs forgiveness may never accept what you are offering, but that is on them not you.

One way to seek forgiveness is through acts of mercy. When we are kind to others that is showing mercy. Not speaking ill of people who have offended or hurt us is showing mercy. When we are merciful, we are calmer and can find peace. Even the closest of the people around us can do things that can be hurtful and offensive. When we are grieving, we have less patience with the world around us. Striving to be merciful will reduce friction in these times. It will also allow us to see the situation for what it is.

Those of us who are religious, we must look at our faith and take solace in it. We can read the Bible and other spiritual teachings to see God’s love for us and when Jesus was on earth how many times He showed his mercy and forgiveness to those around Him, even when He was dying on the cross. Leaning into our faith when we are seeking to obtain or give forgiveness can give us the strength we need to move forward. The practice of mercy and forgiveness is well worth the effort. By practicing these two things, you put balance back into your life. Life is too short to hold on to hatred and anger. By releasing negative feelings, we can enjoy the goodness, beauty, and love life has in store for us.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Dealing with Anger and Guilt.

Anger and guilt can be hard to deal with and can linger for a long time if we do not address the issues surrounding what they are connected to. When we hold onto anger and guilt, we can become bitter. We look onto the world around us with a jaundiced eye. We can begin to push people who want to help us away or withdraw from them and society. How do we turn away from this?

Anger is a healthy emotion. It is what we do with it that makes the difference. Expressing our anger in an appropriate manner is essential. We can express our feelings in a way that lets people know we are hurting. Talking about how we feel releases the hurt, frustration, and pain. Turning that anger onto another person only ends up damaging relationships that may never fully heal. Also turning it on ourselves, especially if we feel we had a part in the death of our loved one is very unproductive and in the end can harm our health and wellbeing.

As we work through our anger we sometimes run into guilt. Decisions that were made or not made can add to our grief. There is a poem by Shel Silverstein called “Whatif” http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/shel_silverstein/poems/14819#google_vignette This poem demonstrates letting thoughts run amuck in our lives. It is a waste of time and energy to go back and ask these questions. It may even end up leading us to spiral into darkness and depression. We need to focus on today and work on moving forward into the future. If you are worried about your loved one being angry at you for mistakes that might have been made, remember they are beyond this point and have moved on. They hold no anger, hatred, or bad feelings toward us. What they want for us is to be happy and to live our lives to the fullest.

To start with we must forgive! What is special about this act is when we forgive, we are the ones who receive the benefit from this action. If we feel we had any part in the death of our loved one, or should/shouldn’t have done/said something, forgiving ourselves is the first step. This is a lot easier said than done. In the beginning, we may have to forgive ourselves several times a day, until we accept the forgiveness we are seeking.

If another person was involved in the death of your loved one, holding onto the anger for that person will in the end do you more harm than good. Forgiving them is more for your well-being than theirs. It does not mean you are letting them off the hook. If there is a criminal element to the death, they must be held accountable. Once you have forgiveness for them in your heart you can see with a clearer eye and do what needs to be done with strength and courage.

For those who rely on God in our lives, He invites us to pour out our anger towards Him. This is called lamenting. You can find several examples of this in the Bible. One of the most famous is Job. Even though he lost everything, he never abandoned his belief in God. But his belief did change as he began to understand God on a deeper level. Seeking forgiveness by walking with God during these difficult times can give us the opportunity to rest in His love that surrounds us each and every day.

Dealing with your anger in a positive way is taking charge of your healing journey, as well as letting go of any guilt you may be carrying around. These are steps we must take on the road to finding peace and joy.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Some of Its Problems

One of the biggest problems in dealing with grief are the questions that creep up. Why did my loved one die suddenly or why did he or she struggle with a terrible illness before they died? Another one that sometimes comes up is, if I’d done this, or hadn’t done that, would my loved one still be here?

There is nothing wrong with asking questions, but we must be careful not to get stuck there. Unfortunately sometimes there is no answer. And yes, you might have done, or not done something that might have made a difference at the time, but choices have been made and there is nothing we can do to change the outcome. Also we have to factor in how much did my loved one contribute to the situation. There is no blame to cast. What is is, and can’t be changed.

Healing takes courage, work, and effort. Sometimes we think we do not have the ability to move forward. Other times the pain and despair is a comfortable fit and feels like it takes too much effort to shake these emotions off. Some people get so comfortable with these feelings of sadness and despair, or get focused on being self-centered, hurting, possibly even enjoying the sympathy and attention being received and may get stuck in the grieving cycle five, ten, or even more years after their loved one has died. Life for them has come to a standstill.

For those who wish to heal, let me make a few suggestions. Understand you have a right to what or how you feel. These feelings can be confusing and painful. As I have stated in other articles, you must find a positive way to vent them. Talking with others and/or writing them out can be very helpful. Even asking the questions you are struggling with and hearing yourself ask them, can help you find comfort and start the healing process. Someone might be able to point something out you are not seeing or understanding where your situation is concerned.

Death can really challenge our belief system. Things like Good people don’t die. or He/she did everything the right way, they shouldn’t have died. We don’t control the future. We can plan it, but situations and circumstances can change those plans. Accepting that can guide us through the healing process. Sometimes we just have to and do the best we can to make the best of these hard times.

For those of us who are religious, putting that trust in the Lord can be an anchor in a storm. Know it is good to lament to the Lord. He is more than willing to listen to our hurt and pain. But in the end, we have to believe in God’s sovereignty and trust in His love, goodness and mercy, even when we are having a hard time trusting in his decision to call our loved one home.

If we are stuck in our grief, we have to take steps, even if they are baby steps in the beginning, towards healing. First, we must remember this is going to take time. It could be months for some, for others years. Next think about the questions you are asking. Even if you had the answers would it be helpful to you and can it help you move on? You might have to accept that there is no answer that will truly satisfy you. If that is so, you must take the next step to healing.

You must take care of yourself daily. Find a plan that works for you and stick with it. These changes will not happen overnight and if you fumble, start fresh as many times as necessary. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Find the simple joys in life. The taste of a freshly baked cookie, the sounds of nature, the bright colors of flowers, the feeling of the breeze to name a few. Make a list of these things.

We must always respect our feelings and emotions, but must never let them control us. Healing isn’t always a steady process. We will take many steps forward, as well as a few steps back during this time, but the journey of healing is well worth the trip.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Holiday and Other Celebrations

It is very normal after the loss of a loved one, not to want to celebrate. Each of us will respond differently to each situation when the holidays and other celebrations come. We will feel a deep sense of loss and a lot of uncertainty, especially when the occasion triggers emotional and special memories. Here you must approach these days slowly and patiently. These celebrations will change, and in time find their balance. Let’s explore ways to make this transition a bit easier.

To begin with, family and friends may not know what you need. You may not even know that yourself. Emotions you thought you had under control might resurface again. During this time, you may face bittersweet memories. In order to heal we have to face the pain. Ignoring it will only make the healing process last longer. Be careful how you deal with the pain. When engaging in activities that you hope will help you deal with the grief you are experiencing, ask yourself one question. Will this help me or hurt me? This may be difficult to determine, but be honest with yourself. It is easy to give into the moment, but in the end you will be the one to either benefit or pay the price from your choices.

To move forward in the proper direction, you can begin by planning on how you will approach a holiday or celebration. Start by taking it slow. Put some thought into how you would like to spend the day. With those you are comfortable with, share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. In the beginning your emotions will change quickly. You might even feel guilty that you are having a good time even though your loved one is no longer with you. This emotion is very normal. Take a breath and remember your loved one wants you to be happy. It is okay to feel sad and miss your loved one, but allow yourself to rejoice in the joy the day brings.

Old traditions will die hard. At first you might want to keep everything the same. Sadly this is not possible. In order to heal, we must bend and be willing to change. Start by looking at each holiday and celebration. Ask yourself, what can I keep and what can I change or give up? There is nothing wrong with doing something to honor your loved one during these times. Also changing tradition during these times is not being disrespectful. What is important is to find what works best for you. And remember if you make these changes and they don’t work, then try something different. Keep trying until you find what helps and suits you.

Sometimes when we turn the focus on someone or something else, we help the healing process. Seeking the beauty of the day and finding ways to be grateful can work wonders. For those of us who are religious, spending time with the Lord can help and center us. Look into the different programs out there that help others. Getting involved in an activity can lift your mood and give you a new focus. Again it is exploring something new and if it doesn’t fit, at least you tried.

The holiday season is a time for family and friends to gather. Don’t shut the door. If you are even a little interested in going to a social event, let your host/hostess know at this time you are unsure. See how you feel on the day of the event itself. Even if you decide to go, emotions might change. Knowing this is a possibility, see if there is a place you can go to if you need a break from the group. You might want to give the person hosting the event a heads up that if you do leave early, it is because you have had enough and need some solo time.

Take time to write out holiday plans. Shopping, cooking, decorating, etc. Ask yourself what can I give up this year? What can I change that will make things easier for me? It doesn’t mean you have to give these practices up forever, but maybe for a year or two you might need to let them go. In time you may be able to resume the different practices, but only when you are ready or they will change into something more suitable for you.

Christmas and New Year are the two biggest holidays, but there are others. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, birthdays, and anniversaries to name a few. You and your family might have your own special events like family reunions or vacations. These will have their own unique challenges. Many of the things I’ve suggested above can be applied. Approach each of these days with care, patience, and love. Allow yourself to grieve the absence of your loved one, but also rejoice in the reason behind what made those days so special, how long they were part of your life, and that forever will remain special in your heart.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden.

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Its Stages / Some of Its Challenges / Building Support / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Building Support

The journey of grief can feel so lonely. No one understands what you’re going through. This statement is true and not. If someone has walked in your shoes, they may understand some of what you are experiencing, but not entirely for their experience is different from yours. And there are those who don’t have a clue. You’re probably having enough to deal with your own emotions and circumstances, so how can you deal with people around you? Let’s explore a few suggestions.

To begin with, you have to create an inner circle that works for you. These are the people you trust, not only with your feelings, but the advice they give you. Often we just have a need to be heard. When we can voice out loud our feelings, concerns, frustration, and the other things we are dealing with, we can see a clearer picture of what we are dealing with. It can allow us to laugh at some situations and seek better solutions to others. In selecting that inner circle, choose people who listen to what you are saying and can give you advice that is beneficial to your needs.

Some people can handle your grief, others cannot. It’s no reflection on their humanity. You will come across people who will express sympathy, but do not know what to do when you break down emotionally. To those people you need to come up with a simple response and practice it. Then when these questions do come up you can easily give a response. What it does is make the question of concern easier to handle for both parties. When I was grieving from my husband’s death and came across someone like that I’d say, “I’m hanging in there.” It was truthful and gave them what they wanted to know without adding unwanted emotions into the mix.

The reality is people don’t know what we truly need unless we tell them. It is a mistake to assume they do. Making a list of what we need can be helpful for you and them. There are going to be a lot of new chores that you will have to take on, as well as old ones that are a bit beyond your ability to do right now. Asking and taking help at this time is normal. You need time to get your feet on the ground as you begin to adjust to your new routine. If you know what you need ahead of time and someone offers help, you can give them a task that will be helpful to you and make them feel good.

You are in charge. People are looking for clues from you. When in a social group, they may not talk about your loved one. They are not trying to hurt you, but are trying to avoid upsetting you. Let them know if it’s okay to talk about your loved one. The same is true if someone is asking you questions that you don’t want to answer. A simple statement of, I don’t want to discuss this now, is acceptable. Then ease the awkwardness by asking a question of interest that would pertain to them.

For some people expressing these thoughts out loud can be difficult. No problem. Consider writing them down. A letter telling them where you are coming from or what you are dealing with can be useful. But remember the written word has power. After you have written your letter, consider the person you are planning to give this to. Ask yourself one question. Will this help or hurt my current situation. If it will help, then give them the letter. If not, then tuck it away. You may never give them the letter, but it will be of help to you by letting you sort out your feelings in writing.

The same goes when dealing with your doctor. First, remember they are human and not mind readers or miracle workers. Also they have time restraints and limited resources. After making an appointment with your doctor, sit down and do your homework. Start by listing your concerns, then prioritize them. If you have several concerns, you may have to make other visits. The last step is to determine what you want the end result to be. Here you have to be realistic. As I said, there is only so much the medical profession can do. Now it’s time to see your doctor.

To make sure you are getting what you need, give the doctor time to get the basics out of the way. That’s part of their job. Now state your needs as clearly as you can. It might be helpful to have them written down. To make sure they are hearing you, eye contact is a good indicator. If they have a computer in the room, don’t be alarmed, but make sure the two of you are staying on task. You may have to nudge him/her back to why you are there. What they say and suggest needs to be helpful to you. Doctors have their own way of doing things that might not agree with what you need. You are the patient, and it is your right to refuse what they suggest or prescribe. Even if you have seen this doctor for years, relationships change. They might not have the knowledge or enough understanding to help you when you are grieving. There is nothing wrong with switching doctors. If they are a good physician, they will not take it personally. Be respectful, thank them and move on.

For those who are religious, seeking God’s guidance and grace may be essential to your wellbeing. Lean into your faith. Like any relationship it takes effort to establish and strengthen the bond. Bring all matters, little or big, to Him. Trust in his immense love for each and every one of us. If prayer is not working for you, open your heart and just say out loud what is troubling you. But remember what prayer is. It is communicating with God, which means two things. We not only need to talk to Him, but listen as well.

The reality of healing properly rests on your shoulders, but you can do it. Lean on the ones you trust to guide you, but also rely on yourself. The power to heal is within us, but it takes courage and effort to get the job done.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden. I have a long list of other topics on Grief to write about. If there is something you’d like me to touch on, please let me know.

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Its Stages

According to the web, the stages of Grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many of these are not helpful when we are dealing with the loss of a loved one. Also, there is no order to grief. Let’s take a look at them.

Denial is not healthy. Some people try to pretend that their loved one is away. Then one day without warning reality crashes in on them. By denying the fact they are no longer with us, we are only delaying the healing process.

Anger is a healthy emotion, but it is what we do with this emotion that will make a difference in how we handle the grief we are feeling or how it affects us. By acknowledging the anger at the loss, we can begin to look for ways to help ourselves heal. It is when we take that anger out on the people around us that we have crossed a line. In the end, we will cause a bigger problem to deal with when our actions are inappropriate.

Bargaining is a waste of time. If someone is dying or has died, there is little we can do to change the outcome. If you believe in God, prayers are always a comfort and a refuge. If we are to survive and heal from the outcome, we must accept what is happening in our lives.

Depression can be detrimental to both our mental as well as our physical health. It is not something to be ignored or dismissed. There are many things we can do to help ourselves if we reach this state. The first step is to recognize and acknowledge what is happening in your life, then seek help.

Acceptance is the only one that is truly helpful in the healing process. But the question is what do we do after we acknowledge our loved one is gone. Let me make a few suggestions.

Acceptance is the first step. Facing the reality of our loss begins the healing process. In a way, it guides us to start the process of moving forward. We must allow ourselves time to grieve as we deal with the practicalities of the changes in our way of life.

For those of us who are religious, turning to God during this time can be of great help, seeking His word through His teachings. Find time to be quiet in His presence. If you are not a believer still finding quiet time to meditate can be helpful. Either way, select a peaceful place where you can be alone. Imagine a place that brings you comfort, a meadow, a body of water, or wherever. Allow your mind and body to rest. If you are religious invite God or Jesus to be with you.

Expressing your Emotions. Our emotions may change quickly from one moment to the next in the beginning. This is a time when what you are experiencing can easily get the better of you. Always remember to respect what you are feeling, but do your best not to allow your emotions to control you. You need to let them out, so you do not become overwhelmed by them. Find appropriate ways to express what you are feeling. When emotions are allowed to run wild, you end up damaging relationships which can leave you more frustrated with life. You can choose how much to tell people, doing it in a way that is beneficial to all. This can be done by talking or in written form. Experiment with both to find which one works best for you.

As you move forward you will begin to establish a new identity. This will not be easy, because people naturally avoid change. Take these changes one step at a time. Some methods will fit comfortably while others may take longer to adjust to. Give each new adjustment in your life a chance. Take courage. As you move forward, your emotions will stabilize. Many people want to heal immediately, but grief does not work that way. Give yourself permission to take as much time as you need to heal. Finding happiness and joy times does not mean we are forgetting our loved ones who are no longer with us. Be patient, the journey for many may be long, but the trip is well worth it when we reach the other side.

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: Some of Its Challenges

Each of us will grieve differently because each circumstance and relationship are different. The sudden death of a loved one can be earth shattering. It comes without warning and leaves us with no time to prepare. Our reaction to someone who has suffered with a long-term illness can be just as unsettling, but may not necessarily feel as deep. Or so we may think. One of the reasons for this is we often start the grieving process before our loved one has passed. All these reactions are normal.

The process of grieving is more than mental, it is often physical as well. We find we are more tired, lose interest quickly, become frustrated easily, and feel more aches and pains. Often it is reported that when someone has taken care of a loved one for a period of time, they will find later that they have lost or gained weight, have trouble with blood pressure, etc. There have even been reports of hearing and/or eyesight loss.

No matter if the death is sudden or long term, as soon as possible make an appointment with your doctor. Talk to him/her about what is happening in your life. Make sure they take the time to hear you. Advocate for yourself if necessary or have someone with you who will see your needs are being met. Sadly, there are times when doctors do not take the time to listen or give you advice that will be detrimental to your well-being. If you are unhappy about the outcome of your appointment by all means seek a second opinion. Remember doctors are human beings too and are not perfect. This also a good time for you to reach out to the minister of your church, counselor or counseling groups who can assist you with the grieving process.

During this time you might develop what is referred to as Grief Brain. Our minds can become more forgetful or distracted to name just a few of the symptoms. It will not last as we move forward. While traveling or moving about in your environment pay closer attention to your surroundings. It is easy to become distracted and be more prone to accidents. Your ability to remember things may not be as sharp as it was in the past. It may become necessary to make a list to save your sanity. If you are behaving this way, be kind and patient with yourself. Talk about it with a loved one or a close friend. You’re struggling to get a new balance with your life. For a time, you might need to adjust how you do things. There is nothing wrong with this.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. As you move through the day to day of living, you will find yourself dealing with many adjustments. Some of these will give you trouble. These are called secondary losses, and we must take time to grieve over each one. It could be as simple as feeling the loss of a loved one when you take on a task they used to do. If you shed a few tears during these times, allow this. This step is necessary to the healing process.

Holidays and other celebrations will be a struggle at the beginning of your journey. Enjoying new places and experiences without your loved one to celebrate these times with can be not only painful, but a challenge. You have a right to feel what you feel. It is what you choose to do with the emotions that can make the difference. Take each situation one step at a time. Be honest with family and friends, letting them know the difficulty you’re dealing with. Communication can help to ease hurt feelings and lessen confusion.

The same is true with your time. Others might think that now you have one less person in your life, you have extra time on your hands. They might suggest activities or ways to manage your time, then become hurt and frustrated when you do not respond the way they want or think you should. Speak up for yourself in a polite way. Let them know you are still adjusting to your new life. Make no promises or commitments for the future to what they are suggesting if it is not right for you.

If you believe in God, a loss like this can be earth shattering to our faith and beliefs. At this time, we are very vulnerable and can easily be misled. Once again we must be kind and patient with the healing process. In the beginning, take each day one day at a time. Seek out people or activities that give you positive comfort and guidance. Turning to God with an open heart and mind can lead you to renew your faith and strengthen your beliefs. Develop a support system you can trust. There are groups that can guide you no matter what your belief is.

When we embrace the challenges life hands us, we become stronger for it. It is surprising what we can do when we have to. Just remember we don’t have to do it alone or rush through the process.

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Its stages / Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, and friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue, and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: The Journey

We all are bound to face grief at one point in our lives. It may be the passing of a family member, a close friend, or a beloved pet. The journey to heal may be difficult, but not impossible.

Each of these changes may happen in one of two ways. It may be sudden and come without any kind of warning. Your loved one leaves for work, school, or just a walk around the block and never returns. The other may be that after you have cared for a loved one with a long-term illness, the day finally comes when they pass on. You may feel glad they are no longer in pain or suffering, but you feel the weight of their absence.

In either case, the question becomes, how do you go on?

Take a breath and calm your mind. You need to establish a New Normal in your life. This does not mean you will be forgetting your loved one or instantly be able to manage the difficult situations that lay ahead. It means taking the time to adjust to the changes that have occurred. In order to survive we must embrace and process the changes. How you ask? Let me make a few suggestions.

The first step is self-care. During this time, it is so easy to neglect the body’s needs. Skipping meals or overindulging in food, especially fast or high sugary items can easily become an unhealthy habit. Sleeping too much or not enough can disrupt the healing process. It is never a good idea to do things that can become destructive in your life. If you are leaning on alcohol or drugs to get by, seek help. Some people choose to take on too much, like throwing yourself into work to avoid what you’re dealing with or overdoing some other activity. Adding this type of stress will only delay facing your new reality.

This is a good time to sit down and make a schedule. If you’re unsure, ask a friend to help. Most people have some type of electronic device with an application for this purpose. It is easy to set up a reminder so you will eat, rest, and get a little exercise in a timely manner. If you’ve never cooked a meal in your life, it’s time to learn. There are many simple cookbooks and I bet if you ask, someone in your life would be more than willing to teach you a thing or two in the kitchen. If you’ve never taken care of certain tasks like maintaining the car or house, find someone who can guide you through the steps and be willing to learn! Don’t allow them to do it for you. There are many tutorials on Google and YouTube (to name a few) to guide you through on how to do some of the tasks that you are trying to learn. In the end you will find pride in gaining the skill.

A word of warning: Be careful when selecting people to assist you. There are predators out there who would love to know your financial situation and where you keep important documents and valuables. Be on guard when questions start to arise. You are vulnerable during the grieving time and may not be able to make the best judgments.

Don’t rush your grief. Take the time you need to heal. Be patient with yourself. People have their own timetable on what should happen in grief. Remember they are not you. Here you have to set boundaries. Politely you can tell them you have to move at your own pace and in your own time. Slowly you will begin to explore new avenues as you find your New Normal. When you’re ready, explore new activities or visit new places on your own or with a friend or loved one. It’s important to embrace the new, but we must not forget the old. Again when you’re ready revisit those places and/or activities you did before the change in your life. If it is difficult, take someone you are comfortable with along.

Your emotions will vary from day to day in the beginning. Sometimes when things become difficult, we have to slow down our expectations. It could mean that we have to work through the day minute by minute to cope with what we are feeling and dealing with. Gradually the time will increase until we can look forward to the next day and beyond.

When dealing with the death of a loved one, once they are gone, we have to deal with their belongings. If it is possible, don’t rush this process either. You will know when it’s time to sort through what they owned. The job will be a mixture of sorrow and joy with many memories mixed in. Take your time. You do not want to throw away something that you will regret. We cannot keep everything, but if we keep a shirt, piece of jewelry, or some other odds and ends, it is nobody’s business but yours. When the time is right, you’ll let go of it or not. Sometimes we do not have a choice and have to move quickly through their things. If you cannot do it alone, then pick someone you trust to help with the task. arrives.

The belief and faith in a higher power is different for each person. The death of a loved one can strengthen your beliefs or completely change them. Sometimes people will want to push their belief on you as you struggle to come to terms with the passing of your loved one. Even though they often mean well, setting boundaries with kindness and mercy will go a long way to easing the tension these situations can cause. Spending time with people who have the same religious value as you can be a great help. Enter the conversation with an open mind and an open heart. It is not up to us to judge the depths of another’s faith, but to be there as a guide when we are called upon to do so.

My last comment is to Journal. Keeping a written diary of your activities and feelings is a great way to clear troubling thoughts out of your mind. It is also a good way to keep a record of your progress. Here you can safely vent your feelings and opinions. This is your book, so don’t worry about grammar or spelling. It is also a way to add in positive affirmations and write down things you are grateful for.

The few steps I have suggested are just the start. There are many more which will come along as you heal. Again I state patience. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day. The same is true of your journey to find a new way of life and that inner peace.

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages / Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, and friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue, and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.

Grief: What is it?

According to the dictionary, grief is a deep sorrow at the loss we are experiencing. The reaction to grief will differ from person to person. Often there is no rhyme or reason for how grief will affect you. In dealing with grief there is no manual. There are several phases of grief, but it is a myth there is an order to them. But rejoice there is hope.

We have a right to feel what we feel. This loss is deep and has to have time to heal. Our emotions in the early stages of grief will be all over the place. At times we can feel like we are going crazy. One minute you are crying and the next you are laughing. This is very normal. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to experience these feelings. If we suppress these emotions, they will explode when we least expect it. By allowing them to flow, it will make the healing process so much easier to handle.

Another aspect of grief is that you not only have the initial loss, but there will be several secondary losses. You no longer have someone to help with chores, talk with, travel with or even a simple hug. They might have been the one paying the bills or doing the cooking. If you were a caregiver, you may find yourself struggling with the extra time on your hands after their passing. In the case of a beloved pet, the loss of a walking buddy, or just their simple companionship, especially during special moments can be hard to deal with.

Family members, friends, and even co-workers may not understand if you suddenly start crying or displaying other emotions. Here we must exercise some control. Be honest with the people around you. If you need space, excuse yourself from a group and find a quiet place to let your emotions out. If you can’t (like at your job), give yourself permission to grieve later in a place that is safe for you. And remember to keep that promise to yourself.

Healing takes time. For some people it might take a few months, others years. The healing process cannot be rushed. We have to be gentle with ourselves, kind and patient. We may take several positive steps forward, then suddenly find ourselves taking a few steps back. Again, this is normal. When this happens, take a few deep breaths, and know what is going on inside you will pass, allowing you to once again move forward.

The road can sometimes get very bumpy, causing us to become frustrated, short tempered to the point of becoming angry. When it does, we have to remember we do not have the right to take our emotions out on the people around us. We do not have to be an open book and tell the world all of our sorrows, but sharing a small portion of what is going on in your life can be helpful to those around you.

Know this level of grief will not last forever. With work and perseverance, we can find peace and joy at the end of our journey. There are many things you can do that can be helpful. Prayer can ease the pain you are in. Leaning into Our Lord can be a great comfort. Making an effort to be more aware and appreciative of God’s love for each of us, and the beauty He brings into our lives each day can lift your spirit. Find your Bible and dust it off. Read and mark those sections that speak to you and offers you comfort. There are many spiritual books available. Talking with a trusted friend, one who hears what you are saying and can advise what is best for you can be a great help. During these times we must take care of our physical self. Remember to drink fluids (water is the best), eat small regular meals, easy exercises (a walk outside for fresh air), and see you get enough rest. There are many support groups out there. You do not have to take this journey alone. Find one that suits you.

It has been said that Grief is the price we pay for Love. It has been eight years since my husband Fred has passed away. When I think back, I would not trade one minute of the love we shared for what I’ve endured after his death. I have traveled the journey of Grief and now am at peace.

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages / Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, and friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue, and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.