It is very normal after the loss of a loved one, not to want to celebrate. Each of us will respond differently to each situation when the holidays and other celebrations come. We will feel a deep sense of loss and a lot of uncertainty, especially when the occasion triggers emotional and special memories. Here you must approach these days slowly and patiently. These celebrations will change, and in time find their balance. Let’s explore ways to make this transition a bit easier.
To begin with, family and friends may not know what you need. You may not even know that yourself. Emotions you thought you had under control might resurface again. During this time, you may face bittersweet memories. In order to heal we have to face the pain. Ignoring it will only make the healing process last longer. Be careful how you deal with the pain. When engaging in activities that you hope will help you deal with the grief you are experiencing, ask yourself one question. Will this help me or hurt me? This may be difficult to determine, but be honest with yourself. It is easy to give into the moment, but in the end you will be the one to either benefit or pay the price from your choices.
To move forward in the proper direction, you can begin by planning on how you will approach a holiday or celebration. Start by taking it slow. Put some thought into how you would like to spend the day. With those you are comfortable with, share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. In the beginning your emotions will change quickly. You might even feel guilty that you are having a good time even though your loved one is no longer with you. This emotion is very normal. Take a breath and remember your loved one wants you to be happy. It is okay to feel sad and miss your loved one, but allow yourself to rejoice in the joy the day brings.
Old traditions will die hard. At first you might want to keep everything the same. Sadly this is not possible. In order to heal, we must bend and be willing to change. Start by looking at each holiday and celebration. Ask yourself, what can I keep and what can I change or give up? There is nothing wrong with doing something to honor your loved one during these times. Also changing tradition during these times is not being disrespectful. What is important is to find what works best for you. And remember if you make these changes and they don’t work, then try something different. Keep trying until you find what helps and suits you.
Sometimes when we turn the focus on someone or something else, we help the healing process. Seeking the beauty of the day and finding ways to be grateful can work wonders. For those of us who are religious, spending time with the Lord can help and center us. Look into the different programs out there that help others. Getting involved in an activity can lift your mood and give you a new focus. Again it is exploring something new and if it doesn’t fit, at least you tried.
The holiday season is a time for family and friends to gather. Don’t shut the door. If you are even a little interested in going to a social event, let your host/hostess know at this time you are unsure. See how you feel on the day of the event itself. Even if you decide to go, emotions might change. Knowing this is a possibility, see if there is a place you can go to if you need a break from the group. You might want to give the person hosting the event a heads up that if you do leave early, it is because you have had enough and need some solo time.
Take time to write out holiday plans. Shopping, cooking, decorating, etc. Ask yourself what can I give up this year? What can I change that will make things easier for me? It doesn’t mean you have to give these practices up forever, but maybe for a year or two you might need to let them go. In time you may be able to resume the different practices, but only when you are ready or they will change into something more suitable for you.
Christmas and New Year are the two biggest holidays, but there are others. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, birthdays, and anniversaries to name a few. You and your family might have your own special events like family reunions or vacations. These will have their own unique challenges. Many of the things I’ve suggested above can be applied. Approach each of these days with care, patience, and love. Allow yourself to grieve the absence of your loved one, but also rejoice in the reason behind what made those days so special, how long they were part of your life, and that forever will remain special in your heart.
Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor. My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden.
If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief. They are: What is it? / The Journey / Its Stages / Some of Its Challenges / Building Support / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.
A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.
TJ's 