Grief: Its Stages

According to the web, the stages of Grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Many of these are not helpful when we are dealing with the loss of a loved one.  Also, there is no order to grief.  Let’s take a look at them. 

Denial is not healthy.  Some people try to pretend that their loved one is away.  Then one day without warning reality crashes in on them.  By denying the fact they are no longer with us, we are only delaying the healing process.

Anger is a healthy emotion, but it is what we do with this emotion that will make a difference in how we handle the grief we are feeling or how it affects us.  By acknowledging the anger we are feeling at the loss, we can begin to look for ways to help ourselves heal.  It is when we take that anger out on the people around us that we have crossed a line.  In the end, we will cause a bigger problem to deal with when our actions are inappropriate. 

Bargaining is a waste of time.  If someone is dying or has died, there is little we can do to change the outcome.  If you believe in God, prayers are always a comfort and a refuge.  If we are to survive and heal from the outcome, we must accept what is happening in our lives. 

Depression can be detrimental to both our mental as well as our physical health.  It is not something to be ignored or dismissed.  There are many things we can do to help ourselves if we reach this state.  The first step is to recognize and acknowledge what is happening in your life, then seek help. 

Acceptance is the only one that is truly helpful in the healing process.  But the question is what do we do after we acknowledge our loved one is gone.  Let me make a few suggestions.

Acceptance is the first step.  Facing the reality of our loss begins the healing process.  In a way, it guides us to start the process of moving forward.  We must allow ourselves time to grieve as we deal with the practicalities of the changes in our way of life. 

For those of us who are religious, turning to God during this time can be of great help, seeking His word through His teachings.  Find time to be quiet in His presence.  If you are not a believer still finding quiet time to meditate can be helpful.  Either way, select a peaceful place where you can be alone.  Imagine a place that brings you comfort, a meadow, a body of water, or wherever.  Allow your mind and body to rest. If you are religious invite God or Jesus to be with you. 

Our emotions may change quickly from one moment to the next in the beginning.  This is a time when what you are experiencing can easily get the better of you.  Always remember to respect what you are feeling, but do your best not to allow your emotions to control you.  You need to let them out, so you do not become overwhelmed by them.  Find appropriate ways to express what you are feeling.  When emotions are allowed to run wild, you end up damaging relationships which can leave you more frustrated with life.  You can choose how much to tell people, doing it in a way that is beneficial to all.  This can be done by talking or in written form.  Experiment with both to find which one works best for you. 

As you move forward you will begin to establish a new identity.  This will not be easy, because people naturally avoid change.  Take these changes one step at a time.  Some methods will fit comfortably while others may take longer to adjust to.  Give each new adjustment in your life a chance.  Take courage.  As you move forward, your emotions will stabilize.  Many people want to heal immediately, but grief does not work that way.  Give yourself permission to take as much time as you need to heal.  Finding happiness and joyous times does not mean we are forgetting our loved ones who are no longer with us.  Be patient, the journey for many may be long, but the trip is well worth it when we reach the other side.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden.  I have a long list of other topics on Grief to write about.  If there is something you’d like me to touch on, please let me know. 

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it?  The Journey  / Some of Its Challenges  / Building Support  / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?.  

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader. 

Forgiveness Comes in All Sizes

With dinner out of the way, Angus settled on the couch to read.  Her little dog Penny pranced around, playing happily with her toys.  Looking at the little dog, Angus once again was pleased with her decision to have a pet.  Penny had been a rescue.  From what the shelter had told Angus, Penny had been found abandon and hurt.  When she’d been rescued, a dollar bill was lying next to her, with the words Smile; someone special loves you, written across it.  The staff had passed the dog and the bill onto Angus.  Since the two seemed to go together, Angus had purchased a small pouch to hang on the leash’s handle.  In it, she kept poop bags to clean up any of Penny’s messes when they walked and the one-dollar bill.

A sudden bark had Angus looking up from her book.  At her feet was Penny.  Prancing, the dog barked once more, then nudged at the leash it had brought over.   “Okay, girl,” Angus said, putting down her book.  “I get the hint.  Time for our evening walk.

As she headed out, Angus thought of her life.  Just this past January she’d been widowed.  Her husband Gregory had suffered from a lung condition.  When his health had taken a turn for the worse two years ago, Angus had retired early.   Over the years, the couple had invested well, and that had been a blessing.  After her husband’s passing, Angus hadn’t been forced to return to work, but was free to choose how to spend her time.  It had been a blessing and a curse.   Since she desired companionship, Angus decided on the four-legged kind.

Many of the people in the neighborhood had been kind when Gregory had passed, so Angus had gotten to know them.  Walking, she enjoyed a friendly hello, accompanied by a short chant.

“And how’s your new friend doing,” April was asked as the pair walked by.

“Doing quilt well.  Her leg is healing nicely.  Though I have to say she has a mind of her own.  Insists on sharing my bed, even though I bought one of her own.  I guess she prefers my company over sleeping alone.”

“Never like them sleeping with me.  Charlie has his own and he knows it,” April, who lived on the next street over, shot back.

Bidding her friend a farewell, Angus continued on.  She watched with amusement as two teenaged girls tried to ride a bike that was more suited for a ten-year-old.  They were peddling slow, so when they spilled onto the ground with laughter, no one was hurt.

Continuing on her walk, Angus caught sight of a man in his late thirties.   On the second day of hers and Penny’s walk, the man seemed very much surprised to see them and Penny barked happily at the man, her tail wagging madly.  Once again he was out front.  From the bags in his hand, he’d obviously been grocery shopping.   As the pair walked pass, Penny tugged on the leash, letting out a happy little barked.  Puzzled, Angus stopped when Penny continued to rush towards the stranger.

“Do you know this dog?” she asked as the man only stared.

“No,” he said abruptly and went inside.

Looking down at Penny, the dog seemed puzzled by the man’s action.

Curious, Angus deiced to chat with April about the man’s strange behavior the next day.   “That’s Barney Wilert.  He lost his wife close to a month ago.  From what I’ve been told, she’d been frail for a long time.  Then just like your Gregory, got a bout of that nasty flu that was going around and died.    Pour Barney been so bitter about it.  No one seems to be able to reach him.”

“Did he have a dog?” Angus asked.

“Come to mention it, I know Shelly, that’s his neighbor, said he did.  She often heard it barking a lot right after the Misses died.   Then one day, it came up missing.  That’s what Barney said, but he didn’t appear to be too upset with it gone.”

Deciding to find out more, Angus stopped by without her dog.  When Barney opened the door, Angus asked.  “Do I have your dog?”

“I don’t have a dog.”

“My Penny seems to know you.”

“I don’t know your Pansy.”

“I said Penny,” Angus corrected.

“That’s what I said,” the man snapped.

Not wanting to cause trouble, Angus chose to return some of the kindness she’d received from the neighborhood.  “I understand your wife passed recently.  So has my husband.”

“What, you want to start a club,” Barney replied sarcastically.

“Young man, I don’t appreciate your rudeness.  All I’m saying is if you need someone to talk to during this difficult time of your life, I’d be willing to listen.”  Then she shoved a piece of paper in his and with her name and address on it.

Two days later, Penny was barking madly.  Leaving the dinner she had been preparing, Agnus went to see who was at her front door.  This time it was Angus who was surprised.

“Um,” Barney said awkwardly.  The man seemed so sad.  “I was hoping that offer to talk was still available.”

“Come in.  I was just fixing a salad for dinner.  Would you like to join me?”

“If it wouldn’t be any trouble.”

Penny seemed to prance at the man’s feet.  Bending down, he reached for the dog.  Like old times, Penny preened under the man’s touch.  Angus caught the interaction between the pair, but said nothing.  What was going on, tugged at her heart.

When the two sat down, Barney said nothing.  Gently Angus got the ball rolling.  “I believe you know Penny.”

“Her name is actually Pansy.  My wife named her that because she reminded Laurel of flowers, their brightness and beauty.  I gave her the little dog as a Christmas present one year.  Laurel tended to pamper her.  Last month we’d run out of dog food because I forgot to get some.  My wife could be a bit impatient at times.  I told her I’d pick some up after work, but Laurel got a friend to drive her to the store to get the food.  It was shortly after that my wife got sick.  After she died, I blamed the dog.”  A tinge of red crept up into the man’s face. “She was barking one night and wouldn’t stop.  I got fed up and the next day I abandoned her on the other side of town.  When they called and said they found her, I told them to deal with her.”

Happily, Penny had curled up by Barney’s feet.   Looking down at her pet, Angus felt a tug.  “Looks to me like she’s forgiven you.  Maybe you should forgive yourself.”  Reaching over, Angus laid a hand on Barney’s before making a suggestion.  “I’ve been involved with a group that offers the kind of counseling people like us need.  Let me put you in contact with them.”  Though it pained her, she took the next step.  “If you want Pansy …”

“No,” Barney said kindly.  “She’s Penny now and your dog.”

Relief spread on Angus’s face.  “Then let me offer you something different.”  Getting up, Angus retrieved the dollar bill.  “This was found next to Penny.  I think you should have it, to remind you to smile, for someone special still loves you.”

 

The journey of the dollar bill begins with the blog called Taking Different Paths Released January 2, 2109

 

Life’s Journey

When I was a teen in high school, I dreamed of marriage and family.  A year after graduation I met my husband.  When he popped the question a week later, I was shocked.  It took me three days to say yes.  People said it wouldn’t last, but they were so wrong.  Working together, we made forty years, and it would have been more if he hadn’t died from cancer.

The last words he spoke to me are bitter/sweet, for he said, “I love you.”  Bitter, because I will never again hear his voice.  Sweet, because he found the strength to reach out to me before slipping into a coma.

Through his death, I received two precious gifts.

First: I am no longer afraid of dying.  I plan to live life to the fullest with the time I have left on the earth, but in my heart, I am ready to go when God calls me home.  As my husband passed from this world, I sensed his mother’s presence.  She came as a guide to lead him into heaven.  And I firmly believe my husband will come for me when it is my time.  Then together again, we will rejoice.        

Second: I’ve come to understand how quickly life can change.  So I plan and hope for the future, but am more willing to bend and let God take the lead.  More importantly, I’ve learned the difference between want and need.

In future blogs, I plan to share with you my journey of “From Mourning to Joy.”