Grief: Does this help or hurt?

I know this is an odd question when it comes to grief, but sometimes when we are dealing with a painful issue, our decision making is not at its best.  When we try to avoid heartache, sadness, and grief, we can make choices that can become detrimental to our well-being. 

To avoid the heartache of the death of a loved one, sometimes people turn to ways to deaden, not think about, or even feel the pain.  They may turn to alcohol, food, shopping sprees, or even sex.  Some people may choose to work long hours or sleep as much as they can get away with.  None of these actions help and can end up costing you more than you bargained for. 

The reality is you have to face the fact you’ve lost someone very important to you.  It’s more than acceptable to pamper ourselves in the beginning of the journey of grief.  Yet if you do not want to make the journey harder than it has to be, you must find a way to make good decisions.  This means building an inner circle of people you can trust to guide you through this difficult time.  There is no shame in reaching out and accepting help in the early stages of grief.  In time you will find yourself steadying and will once again take charge of your life. 

There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself.  Taking care of your physical needs is essential.  Making a list of things that need to get done or accomplished is a great tool.  Finding social outlets that give you companionship if you wish it, can help.  Getting involved with activities when you’re ready is another thing to do.  Being aware of and respecting your limitations at this time is important.  If you are religious, finding time to be with our Lord can and will be a great comfort to you.  Dusting off your Bible, seeking spiritual written works, or praying/talking/listening to our Lord is a good place to start. 

As you begin to establish your new normal, people will have suggestions on how to manage your time, your loved ones and your belongings, etc.  You must select what is right for you and what will work best in your situation.  Once again using good judgment is important.  People mean well, but they might not know what is best for you!  They might make suggestions that could set back your healing progress.  Relying on yourself and the ones you trust will be what determines what is best for you and what you truly need.  Here is where that question: Will this help or hurt? can be asked.  Once answered, you can move forward at your own time and pace.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of It’s Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy. 

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader. 

Grief: Forgiveness and Mercy

Whether you are religious or not, practicing forgiveness is essential to the healing process.  Why? 

Let us look at the effects of being unforgiving.  When we hold hatred, anger, and other emotions associated with an unforgiving heart, we do damage to our well-being as well as to our physical body.  The negative emotions affect our attitude towards life, making us bitter and can wear us down.  Because grief is physical, holding onto these negative feelings in the long run can make us tire easily, have less interest in spending time with friends, family, and participation in activities that used to bring us joy. In this way grief and the resulting negative emotions can lead to health issues and other problems.  The funny part about being forgiving is that it benefits us more than the person or situation we are forgiving. 

When we choose to forgive, it takes a weight off our shoulders we might not even know we are carrying.  We can see more clearly and find peace easier.  Now being forgiving does not mean we forget or exonerate the person(s) involved.  There are times when we must distance ourselves from those individual(s) in order to protect ourselves.  If the ones involved are negligent or have committed an offense (crime), they must be held accountable.  With less hatred in your heart, you can process what led to the hatred, anger, and other strong emotions with a much clearer state of mind.

How do we forgive?

First we must forgive ourselves.  This is not easy.  In the beginning we may not feel we can be forgiven, especially if we feel we had a part in the death of a loved one.  Often hard decisions have to be made when caring for someone who is ill.  They might have been made fast before we even had time to think things out carefully.  Remember you did the best you could at the time.  And that is all any one of us can do.  Other times you may have said or did something shortly before their death that you now regret.  Again what happened is in the past and cannot be changed. 

In order to forgive ourselves, we must ask for forgiveness.  This is done by saying the words out loud, talking to a friend, counselor, or spiritual advisor.  We may need to say these words over and over until we believe we are forgiven.  During this time, we must show mercy to ourselves.  We are human beings that make many mistakes.  We have to be kind to ourselves, patient, and tend to our needs.  For those who are religious, reach out to God.  If you come to Him with a sincere and contrite heart, because of His great and deep love for us, you are already forgiven.

When we are taking care of a loved one who is dealing with illness, they have a right to what happens to their body whether we agree with them or not.  Sometimes we end up developing hard feelings from some of their choices.  After their death we are faced with guilt.  If they had done this or not done that, or if only we had (or not) said this, we can begin to think they would still be here.  If we are harboring these feelings, we must let go of them.  Like you, they did the best they could under trying times and circumstances.  Just like you could have, they could have made mistakes too.  Forgiving them as you forgive yourself releases both of you from the negative aspects of grief. 

Lastly, what if someone is involved in the death of your loved one such as a careless driver, a negligent doctor, or a criminal, as I said earlier, forgiveness is more for your sake than theirs.  You are releasing the negative part of what you are dealing with and reaching for the healing part of it.  Is it easy?  No!  It takes work, time, and patience.  Your goal is to come to terms with the death of your loved one and to find peace in your heart.  The one who needs forgiveness may never accept what you are offering, but that is on them not you.

One way to seek forgiveness is through acts of mercy.  When we are kind to others that is showing mercy.  Not speaking ill of people who have offended or hurt us is showing mercy.  When we are merciful, we are calmer and can find peace.  Even the closest of the people around us can do things that can be hurtful and offensive.  When we are grieving, we have less patience with the world around us.  Striving to be merciful will reduce friction in these times.  It will also allow us to see the situation for what it is. 

Those of us who are religious, we must look at our faith and take solace in it.  We can read the Bible and other spiritual teachings to see God’s love for us and when Jesus was on earth how many times He showed his mercy and forgiveness to those around Him, even when He was dying on the cross.  Leaning into our faith when we are seeking to obtain or give forgiveness can give us the strength we need to move forward.  The practice of mercy and forgiveness is well worth the effort.  By practicing these two things, you put balance back into your life.  Life is too short to hold on to hatred and anger.  By releasing negative feelings, we can enjoy the goodness, beauty, and love life has in store for us. 

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of It’s Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Will this help or hurt?. 

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader. 

Grief: Dealing with Anger and Guilt.

Anger and guilt can be hard to deal with and can linger for a long time if we do not address the issues surrounding what they are connected to.  When we hold onto anger and guilt, we can become bitter.  We look onto the world around us with a jaundiced eye.  We can begin to push people who want to help us away or withdraw from them and society.  How do we turn away from this?

Anger is a healthy emotion.  It is what we do with it that makes the difference.  Expressing our anger in an appropriate manner is essential.  We can express our feelings in a way that lets people know we are hurting.  Talking about how we feel releases the hurt, frustration, and pain.  Turning that anger onto another person only ends up damaging relationships that may never fully heal.  Also turning it on ourselves, especially if we feel we had a part in the death of our loved one is very unproductive and in the end can harm our health and wellbeing.

As we work through our anger we sometimes run into guilt.  Decisions that were made or not made can add to our grief.  There is a poem by Shel Silverstein called “Whatif” http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/shel_silverstein/poems/14819#google_vignette  This poem demonstrates letting thoughts run amuck in our lives.  It is a waste of time and energy to go back and ask these questions.  It may even end up leading us to spiral into darkness and depression.  We need to focus on today and work on moving forward into the future.  If you are worried about your loved one being angry at you for mistakes that might have been made, remember they are beyond this point and have moved on.  They hold no anger, hatred, or bad feelings toward us.  What they want for us is to be happy and to live our lives to the fullest. 

To start with we must forgive!  What is special about this act is when we forgive, we are the ones who receive the benefit from this action.  If we feel we had any part in the death of our loved one, or should/shouldn’t have done/said something, forgiving ourselves is the first step.  This is a lot easier said than done.  In the beginning, we may have to forgive ourselves several times a day, until we accept the forgiveness we are seeking. 

If another person was involved in the death of your loved one, holding onto the anger for that person will in the end do you more harm than good.  Forgiving them is more for your well-being than theirs.  It does not mean you are letting them off the hook.  If there is a criminal element to the death, they must be held accountable.  Once you have forgiveness for them in your heart you can see with a clearer eye and do what needs to be done with strength and courage. 

For those who rely on God in our lives, He invites us to pour out our anger towards Him.  This is called lamenting.  You can find several examples of this in the Bible.  One of the most famous is Job.  Even though he lost everything, he never abandoned his belief in God.  But his belief did change as he began to understand God on a deeper level.  Seeking forgiveness by walking with God during these difficult times can give us the opportunity to rest in His love that surrounds us each and every day. 

Dealing with your anger in a positive way is taking charge of your healing journey, as well as letting go of any guilt you may be carrying around.  These are steps we must take on the road to finding peace and joy. 

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?. 

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader. 

Grief: Some of Its Problems

One of the biggest problems in dealing with grief are the questions that creep up.  Why did my loved one die suddenly or why did he or she struggle with a terrible illness before they died?  Another one that sometimes comes up is, if I’d done this, or hadn’t done that, would my loved one still be here?

There is nothing wrong with asking questions, but we must be careful not to get stuck there.  Unfortunately sometimes there is no answer.   And yes, you might have done, or not done something that might have made a difference at the time, but choices have been made and there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.  Also we have to factor in how much did my loved one contribute to the situation.  There is no blame to cast.  What is is, and can’t be changed.

Healing takes courage, work, and effort.  Sometimes we think we do not have the ability to move forward.  Other times the pain and despair is a comfortable fit and feels like it takes too much effort to shake these emotions off.  Some people get so comfortable with these feelings of sadness and despair, or get focused on being self-centered, hurting, possibly even enjoying the sympathy and attention being received and may get stuck in the grieving cycle five, ten, or even more years after their loved one has died.  Life for them has come to a standstill.

For those who wish to heal, let me make a few suggestions. Understand you have a right to what or how you feel.  These feelings can be confusing and painful.  As I have stated in other articles, you must find a positive way to vent them.  Talking with others and/or writing them out can be very helpful.  Even asking the questions you are struggling with and hearing yourself ask them, can help you find comfort and start the healing process.  Someone might be able to point something out you are not seeing or understanding where your situation is concerned. 

Death can really challenge our belief system.  Things like Good people don’t die. or He/she did everything the right way, they shouldn’t have died.   We don’t control the future.  We can plan it, but situations and circumstances can change those plans.  Accepting that can guide us through the healing process.  Sometimes we just have to and do the best we can to make the best of these hard times.

For those of us who are religious, putting that trust in our Lord can be an anchor in a storm.  Know it is good to lament to our Lord.  He is more than willing to listen to our hurt and pain.  But in the end, we have to believe in God’s sovereignty and trust in His love, goodness and mercy, even when we are having a hard time trusting in his decision to call our loved one home. 

If we are stuck in our grief, we have to take steps, even if they are baby steps in the beginning towards healing.  First, we must remember this is going to take time.  It could be months for some, for others years.  Next think about the questions you are asking.  Even if you had the answers would it be helpful to you and can it help you move on?  You might have to accept that there is no answer that will truly satisfy you.  If that is so, you must take the next step to healing. 

You must take care of yourself daily.  Find a plan that works for you and stick with it.  These changes will not happen overnight and if you fumble, start fresh as many times as necessary.  Develop an attitude of gratitude.  Find the simple joys in life.  The taste of a freshly baked cookie, the sounds of nature, the bright colors of flowers, the feeling of the breeze to name a few.  Make a list of these things. 

We must always respect our feelings and emotions, but must never let them control us.  Healing isn’t always a steady process.  We will take many steps forward, as well as a few steps back during this time, but the journey of healing is well worth the trip. 

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?. 

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.