Grief: Does this help or hurt?

I know this is an odd question when it comes to grief, but sometimes when we are dealing with a painful issue, our decision making is not at its best.  When we try to avoid heartache, sadness, and grief, we can make choices that can become detrimental to our well-being. 

To avoid the heartache of the death of a loved one, sometimes people turn to ways to deaden, not think about, or even feel the pain.  They may turn to alcohol, food, shopping sprees, or even sex.  Some people may choose to work long hours or sleep as much as they can get away with.  None of these actions help and can end up costing you more than you bargained for. 

The reality is you have to face the fact you’ve lost someone very important to you.  It’s more than acceptable to pamper ourselves in the beginning of the journey of grief.  Yet if you do not want to make the journey harder than it has to be, you must find a way to make good decisions.  This means building an inner circle of people you can trust to guide you through this difficult time.  There is no shame in reaching out and accepting help in the early stages of grief.  In time you will find yourself steadying and will once again take charge of your life. 

There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself.  Taking care of your physical needs is essential.  Making a list of things that need to get done or accomplished is a great tool.  Finding social outlets that give you companionship if you wish it, can help.  Getting involved with activities when you’re ready is another thing to do.  Being aware of and respecting your limitations at this time is important.  If you are religious, finding time to be with our Lord can and will be a great comfort to you.  Dusting off your Bible, seeking spiritual written works, or praying/talking/listening to our Lord is a good place to start. 

As you begin to establish your new normal, people will have suggestions on how to manage your time, your loved ones and your belongings, etc.  You must select what is right for you and what will work best in your situation.  Once again using good judgment is important.  People mean well, but they might not know what is best for you!  They might make suggestions that could set back your healing progress.  Relying on yourself and the ones you trust will be what determines what is best for you and what you truly need.  Here is where that question: Will this help or hurt? can be asked.  Once answered, you can move forward at your own time and pace.

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of It’s Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Anger and Guilt / Forgiveness and Mercy. 

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader. 

Grief: Dealing with Anger and Guilt.

Anger and guilt can be hard to deal with and can linger for a long time if we do not address the issues surrounding what they are connected to.  When we hold onto anger and guilt, we can become bitter.  We look onto the world around us with a jaundiced eye.  We can begin to push people who want to help us away or withdraw from them and society.  How do we turn away from this?

Anger is a healthy emotion.  It is what we do with it that makes the difference.  Expressing our anger in an appropriate manner is essential.  We can express our feelings in a way that lets people know we are hurting.  Talking about how we feel releases the hurt, frustration, and pain.  Turning that anger onto another person only ends up damaging relationships that may never fully heal.  Also turning it on ourselves, especially if we feel we had a part in the death of our loved one is very unproductive and in the end can harm our health and wellbeing.

As we work through our anger we sometimes run into guilt.  Decisions that were made or not made can add to our grief.  There is a poem by Shel Silverstein called “Whatif” http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/shel_silverstein/poems/14819#google_vignette  This poem demonstrates letting thoughts run amuck in our lives.  It is a waste of time and energy to go back and ask these questions.  It may even end up leading us to spiral into darkness and depression.  We need to focus on today and work on moving forward into the future.  If you are worried about your loved one being angry at you for mistakes that might have been made, remember they are beyond this point and have moved on.  They hold no anger, hatred, or bad feelings toward us.  What they want for us is to be happy and to live our lives to the fullest. 

To start with we must forgive!  What is special about this act is when we forgive, we are the ones who receive the benefit from this action.  If we feel we had any part in the death of our loved one, or should/shouldn’t have done/said something, forgiving ourselves is the first step.  This is a lot easier said than done.  In the beginning, we may have to forgive ourselves several times a day, until we accept the forgiveness we are seeking. 

If another person was involved in the death of your loved one, holding onto the anger for that person will in the end do you more harm than good.  Forgiving them is more for your well-being than theirs.  It does not mean you are letting them off the hook.  If there is a criminal element to the death, they must be held accountable.  Once you have forgiveness for them in your heart you can see with a clearer eye and do what needs to be done with strength and courage. 

For those who rely on God in our lives, He invites us to pour out our anger towards Him.  This is called lamenting.  You can find several examples of this in the Bible.  One of the most famous is Job.  Even though he lost everything, he never abandoned his belief in God.  But his belief did change as he began to understand God on a deeper level.  Seeking forgiveness by walking with God during these difficult times can give us the opportunity to rest in His love that surrounds us each and every day. 

Dealing with your anger in a positive way is taking charge of your healing journey, as well as letting go of any guilt you may be carrying around.  These are steps we must take on the road to finding peace and joy. 

Disclaimer: I am not professionally trained as a counselor.  My hope is to share what I’ve learned in my journey of healing in order to ease someone else’s burden ‘

If you liked or found this article helpful, you might want to read the others about Grief.  They are: What is it? / The Journey / Some of Its Challenges / Its Stages Building Support / Holiday and Other Celebrations / Some of Its Problems / Forgiveness and Mercy / Will this help or hurt?. 

A special thanks to my mom MaryAnn, my son Jason, friends Lorenzo, Tessa, MarySue and Kathy, who are reading my works and guiding me to make them better for you the reader.